013. Things I learnt from the World Cup 2014.

With the World Cup 2014 coming to an end, here are some of the things I learnt during this wonderful month.

01. People still use the term 'rape' when the scoreline looks like '1-5', '4-0', or '1-7' as if it were a joke. 

In every football match, the teams go in knowing their opponents and the outcomes could be either a win, draw, or loss.

In rape, there are no such outcomes besides shame, grief, pain, and in some occasions, death. 

The part that sickens me most is that women are also using the word 'rape' to signify a humiliating loss. We cry about how it's always the victim's fault for rape, the way we dress and behave are the 'reasons' for rape. Yet, people use the term so lightly when it comes to sports.

To equate a loss to a rape only does disservice to rape victims and shows how lightly people consider rape to be.

It's 2014, rape should NOT be treated as joke. 

02. Supporting the England NT will only leave you disappointed.

I always tell people that I root for England at every single tournament, and people laugh at me and say "Why do you always do this to yourself?". I know, I am a masochist. After all, suffering is part and parcel of football.

In 2002, I spent 30 minutes crying to my best friend (a Brazil fan) when Brazil beat England at the World Cup quarterfinal. I didn't even want to go to school the day after the match because I was devastated. We still talk about that moment every single time we meet (I cringe every single time).

In 2004 and 2006, I spent the entire week moping about England unfairly losing to Portugal on penalties. Losing on penalties is the worst way to exit a tournament.

In 2008, they didn't even qualify for the EURO Championships. Of course, I cried.

In 2010, I was really upset when they were not given a goal against Germany (poor Lamps will never have his World Cup goal). I am still angry with Neuer because of that.

In 2012, I sat and sighed as I watched England lose to Italy. On penalties. Sigh.

This year, I sat and laughed as England exited the tournament at the group stage. I didn't like the team that was selected (excluding Ashley Cole in favour of the 'youth'), so maybe that's why it was a lot easier to watch England flop play this year. Yes, I do understand the idea of 'mixing it up' but it was done horribly wrong (you should seek advice from Jürgen, Roy).

It's okay, England. You can try again in 2016. Or, you know, whenever.

03. Never underestimate the underdogs.

When the groups were announced, I made predictions of the top two teams from each group. It did not include the likes of Costa Rica, Colombia, Algeria, and Chile.

Oh, how wrong I was. I made the terrible mistake of counting them out. I won't do it again.

They played amazing, beating the top teams (whom you would've expected to actually advance to the second round)!

Chile, perhaps inspired by this video of the Chilean miners, amazingly beat Spain, the current World Cup holders. They also nearly beat Brazil. *coughs*robbed*coughs*

Algeria did well to hold off Germany despite the fact some of the players were fasting on the day of the match. I know I wouldn't have been able to do such a thing, I fainted in the bathroom once due to dehydration while fasting for 19 hours.

I was gutted that they didn't make it far. (*coughs* COLOMBIA AND CHILE WERE ROBBED! *coughs*)

These teams have so much to be proud of, and I hope they will come back for the next World Cup stronger than before.

04. My niece is beginning to show signs of being a football fan.

According to my mum, when Portugal scored the equaliser against the USA, my niece started crying loudly. I still laugh about it because she's only 5 months old, what does she know about football?

No, darling little snowflake, please don't be a mini-me. Watching/supporting a football team gives you enough pain and misery, you don't need that. I mean, look at me and England. Or the Czech Republic. 

SO MUCH PAIN.

05. Sportsmanship is a beautiful thing.

What this old man did, I sincerely hope other football fans will follow suit. Football rivalries exist, but at times you have to look past all that and for once, just be a decent human being. I know I have been a terrible person at times, but I'm trying my best to be better. So should the rest of us.

06. You realise how old you really are.

Miroslav Klose broke the record of the top scorer, surpassing the Brazilian legend Ronaldo. I cried so hard because I've watched him score all 16 goals from 12 years. In the span of those 12 years, I graduated from high school, got a Bachelors degree, got a Masters degree, and found a job.

I've seen all the goals and all the backflips. My inner 15-year-old has been crying non-stop over this.

It's also been 12 years since Germany last featured in a World Cup final. This has been my battle cry the last few days.

*wipes single lone tear streaming down my face*

Yes, I'm ancient. Don't make fun of me.

07. Your best memories of the World Cup always involved the people you loved.

I was always surrounded by friends at every World Cup. We would discuss the matches, cute players (it is an added bonus), and predictions. You could cry at a loss and no one would judge you (okay, not entirely true - refer to point number 2, but it does make good conversation!).

I would watch the matches with my family and I'd always be entertained by their commentaries. In 2010, my dad stayed up with me and we played Blackjack (he cheated) while watching the match and discussing about being away from home for a year. He was also very excited that two of his favourite players from his favourite football team featured in the World Cup final.
(who knew he'd end up hating them a few years after that final?)

This year, I have been fortunate enough to have wonderful friends who would keep me awake with texts and random funny things. It's nice knowing that there are people who are willing to put up with your nonsense at a horrible hour of the day. (#olifortopscorer, eh?)

08. Every other song sounds better than the actual official World Cup 2014 song.

We had quality World Cup songs, and this year, we get THIS.

I would've preferred THIS or THIS to be the official World Cup 2014. (preferably the former, but my niece loves the latter. Who can deny my Colombian queen?)

09. Same, old boring tactics can only get you so far before someone calls you out on it.

I'm looking at you, Spain.

10. The internet is a wonderful place.

One funny moment, and you become an internet sensation. God bless you, you creative little buggers.

Some of my favourites:

Jasper Cillessen being the voice of conscience for James Rodriguez.

Alejandro Sabella channelling his inner Michael Jackson.

Robin van Persie can fly!

That is all for this crazy one month of football. I've enjoyed myself immensely and I hope you had a great time too. See you in the another four years!

(or two years if you're going to watch the UEFA EURO 2016 tournament. I know I will!)

012. Take the night and tear it down.

I suppose I should apologise for the serious lack of updates. I seem to only pop in to write an obligatory post that marks how old I am.

I actually have a post lying in my draft, but I just gave up on it because I really didn't feel like posting it. I might post it when I'm actually ready. We'll just have to wait and see on that one.

I did say to a few people at the beginning of the year that I would start blogging again. Unfortunately, I haven't written anything (except for that draft). Sigh, procrastination is such a terrible thing.

It's the second half of the year, and what a better time to pick to keep to my promise. I will attempt to blog like I used to, not just for the usual "oh boo, I am a year older but hey like wine, I get better with age" nonsense.

Yeah, so here we go again. Let's hope I stick to my promise.

011. Twenty six, plenty to fix.

*wipes the dust off the blog*

A year has passed from my last post. If you are already accustomed to my constant habit of putting off things until the last minute, you shouldn't be THAT surprised.

I am now twenty six. 

What have I gained more this year compared to when I was 25?

Well, I've gained a little weight and this is incredibly frustrating at times. No matter how good you feel about yourself, someone will always throw a jibe in your general direction and say "Eh, you've put on weight!" or my favourite of them all "uh, your boobs and waistline are getting bigger...you better cut down on your food intake".

As a person who is struggling with bulimia, it is hard to accept yourself for everything that you have done and accomplished when you have people throwing comments like that in your face. It just drives you to go back to the old, destructive habits. I started comparing myself when I was living in Sheffield and living in Kuala Lumpur. In Sheffield, no one called me 'fat' because to them I looked 'underaged'. I got picked up by boys who were much younger than me. Here? Just because you're not a size 8, you are automatically labelled 'fat' and 'undeserving of anyone's attention'. It's hard just knowing that the definition of 'being yourself' actually means 'conforming to social ideals'.

But then I read this quote by J.K. Rowling that goes a little like this: 

“Is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'? Not to me.”

...and I told myself that "You are better than that. So what if you gain weight? You have the brains and brawn to back the goods". I'm learning to love and appreciate my body one day at a time. I'd rather be called 'fat' than 'stupid', to be honest. F-A-T = Fantastic, Acerbic, Tenacious.

I would say that I've gained more perspective on appreciating appearances. Be you, and don't be stupid.

Other things I have gained:

I've gained the wisdom to maintain relationships that are worth keeping and fighting for. The ones that matter will always have your best interests at heart, and the ones that don't are toxic and deserved to be eliminated from your life.
I've gained the wisdom to have faith and believe that things will fall through. Things really do happen for a reason.
I've gained the wisdom to be humble and ask for guidance whenever it was necessary. Being proud is never a good look on anyone.
I've gained the wisdom to be know when to speak and when to listen. Like my dad always says: "God gave you a mouth and two ears for a reason".
I've gained the wisdom that your gut instinct about a person is almost always never wrong. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I've gained new friendships that were fostered from the love of music, television, and sports. It's nice to see that someone appreciates your love/dedication for certain things and still not judge you when you are being ridiculous for crying over a heartbreaking episode of your favourite TV show or even watching your team lose when they shouldn't have at all.

Some of you may ask, "Got boyfriend or not?", and to which my answer will always be "oh he's too busy playing football to come down and see me". Truth be told, I don't think I'm ready yet. I haven't found that one person and I can go around and say "you're my kind of perfect". People say I've set unattainable standards, but I don't think so. I just want someone who appreciates me for all the dumb things I do and say, and still say "I wanna grow old with you". I have been fortunate enough to witness the union of two souls in love. I have also been fortunate enough to see them have little tykes of their own. I hope maybe one day, I would be as fortunate as them. I'm still young (this is coming from a person who constantly complains about being old to numerous people), I should be enjoying my youth. I'm going to do just that until the right one comes along and says "just the two of us against the rest of the world".

Twenty six, still plenty to fix. So many things to do, so little time and money. One day at a time, they say.

I'd like to say 'thank you' to everyone who made my twenty-sixth birthday nothing short of wonderful. Your wishes, texts, calls, tweets, edits, cards, presents, and cakes made me really thankful that you are in my life (despite the fact that I've been a lousy and terrible friend to you). I'd also like to thank Him for keeping me alive to let me see the beauty in the world for another year.

Here's a little something for you before I end: Mark Owen's They Do.

P/S: I will try to update more often. I know I say this every year, but this time I plan on sticking to it.

010. Twenty five, staying alive.

As I sit here and write this, I'm already twenty five. Cue the start of the quarter-life crisis. Turning twenty five isn't as grand as turning 80 or even 100, but as quoted by The Doctor in "The Lazarus Experiment":

Some people live more in twenty years than others do in eighty. It's not the time that matters, it's the person.

I feel like I have accomplished many things in these 25 years. I remember when I was 15, I wrote this list that I named "Things to do before I turn 25" (yes, I know. I am incredibly original). Let me share what I set out for myself in this list of mine.

• gain a Bachelors degree in Psychology
• gain a Masters degree
• study in the United Kingdom
• travel around the United Kingdom and/or Europe
• visit Germany (more specifically, visit Neuschwanstein Castle)
• have a job
• own a Mini Cooper
• buy an apartment unit or a house for my parents
• learn to ride a bicycle
• learn to swim
• get married
• watch a 'live' football match outside Malaysia
• visit all the football stadiums
• learn to cook

Safe to say, some of the things on the list have materialised. 

I have a Bachelors degree in Psychology, something I am quite proud of, given how everyone in family (including the extended ones) have done studied accountancy/finance/business-related subjects. My father used to mention how everyone in the world needs an accountant in hopes that I would actually pursue it. Sadly, I never shared those sentiments. Despite getting a 'A' for accounts (how this happened still remains a mystery), I stuck to my guns and pursued Psychology, much to my father's chagrin.

As soon as I obtained my Bachelors degree, I decided to pursue my Masters degree in Psychology. Instead of following the paths my friends took and dive into the land of employment, I wanted to keep going while I was still in the "I am a student, I need to keep studying" mentality. There was a strange compulsion to keep that momentum going. I took the challenge and decided to go one better: pursue my Masters degree overseas. I moved to a new city/country/continent for a whole year, I had to learn how to do things on my own: cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, medical appointments, the likes. I have always had all these things done for me, and it was definitely a challenge to me as these things were so readily available to me. I was taken out of my comfort zone, away from my family and friends. In that one year, I learnt to be independent and comfortable in my own skin. With this new-found confidence, I jumped at the chance and applied for a summer job working for the university. There, I met so many lovely people of different nationalities and backgrounds. I was no longer timid and shy around others as the job required me to communicate and understand the needs of others. I travelled around the UK (alone and with friends) and I had the best moments of my life. I watched musicals, indulged in art exhibitions, watched football matches 'live' and on my own, toured football grounds that I have always dreamt of visiting, learnt culture and history, and breathed in beautiful sights and sceneries. In the span of one year, I have been fortunate enough to prove to everyone that I was no longer a 'spoilt, pampered princess'. I am now proud, confident and stronger than I was when I was 22.

I now have a permanent job and it has been an eventful seven months or so. I am still learning and I am now ready to take on bigger challenges. There have been some great times, and there have been some not-so great times. I'm learning to take them all as experiences. We all know what experiences do to us - it makes us stronger and smart enough to avoid the same holes we put ourselves in before.

I fell in and out of love. On this matter, I have decided to let things fall into place. I'm in no rush to get married or procreate. I want to enjoy being on my own, for now. I am a little tired of people coming up to me and asking "Don't you want a boyfriend? Why are you not actively looking for one?!". Truth be told, I am just not ready to let myself go completely when I am in love with someone. Being picky may have a small role in my decision, but I just want to love someone when I am ready. I don't want to be forced into getting involved in something/someone only for me to look back and regret about it. I will be ready, and until then, let me enjoy the way my life is going.

I still haven't gone to Germany, but from the time I was 15 until now, I learnt of new places and cultures. I want to explore and experience them all before I die. I still haven't bought a house for my parents, but it's okay, I'm getting there. I am definitely not getting a Mini Cooper, given that I have no intention of driving in this country. As you get a little older (maybe a little wiser, too) you realise that you need to be practical about things and think "Hang on a minute, you can't afford that. Oh well, time for Plan B!".

People have come and gone in my life. Some left, some stayed. If it weren't for any of them, I wouldn't have been the person I am today. I don't believe that time heals all wounds, but it does heal some wounds to a certain extent. I have had falling outs with friend that lasted a few years, only for time to teach me that it was time to forgive. Friendships that ended began again. I lost many great people to death and often times, I go through the five stages of grief. There is never a day that I don't think about them or how much I miss them. It's always in death that you learn to appreciate life. I learn to live my life while I am still alive and breathing.

I am thankful for everyone that has coloured my ordinary life. I am thankful for all the experiences that I have gone through, even the awful ones. Most of all, I am thankful that I am still alive to (hopefully) see through another year.

Happy 25th birthday, self. You are older, wiser, and sweeter. Don't check for grey hair and/or wrinkles, don't sweat the small stuff. A year from now, you will look back on this and tell yourself "There's progress".

A special musical treat for you - Take That's When We Were Young.

009. What use is a paper heart?

Reading this reminded me of what I did on Tuesday and Wednesday. 

I read The Dash by Linda Ellis.

I listened to Paper Heart by David Cook.

I'm thankful I saw you before you passed away. I'm thankful that God heard my prayer and kept everyone safe until I got home. I told my late siya and achi to look after everyone until I got home.

I'm just thankful for everything I have.

I know we weren't close, but you looked after me well. A part of me feels empty after losing you, but a part of me is happy to know you lived a good life with people who loved you.

I still remember your smile when I came to visit last week. You told me I looked beautiful and that I'm all grown up now. You looked so happy when I gave you that sweater. You smiled more when I told you I was staying here for good. You looked so well, despite the conditions you were going through. I had hope you'd be better, you'd beat the shit out of it.

I'm just really happy I saw you one last time before you left us.

Farewell, Auntie Queenie. You will be missed.

Longer post when I feel like it.

008. You know a song hits you hard...

when you feel a sharp pain in the chest when it plays.


My life is such a comedic tragedy.

007. Take a look at where we used to be, now I'm just a vessel lost at sea.

I'm not entirely sure as to how I should start this. Forgive me if my thoughts end up getting jumbled up.


As mentioned in my earlier post, David Cook's sophomore album is out June 28th, which is TODAY. I strongly suggest you get the album NOW. IT IS AMAZING. Trust me, I am not being a biased person but this album is leaps and bounds better than his debut album, post-Idol. Get the album, you won't regret it.


One song in particular struck a chord with me, it's called 'Goodbye To The Girl'. The first time I heard it last Monday, I was in tears. I was listening to it on the way to work, and I cried a little (pretty thankful that my boss, workmates, and students didn't ask me why I look like I just cried). When I went to bed that same night, I decided to sleep with my iPod in my ears. I woke up two hours later with the song playing in my ears. As if on cue, I started crying. I went back to sleep after a good two hours of crying.


At the risk of sounding like an emotional git, there is a reason as to why I love this song that listening to it (be it the album version or the acoustic version) breaks my heart into tiny pieces.


10 years ago, I found love for the first time. It was with a boy who was a year older than me. We weren't very into PDAs and stuff, we just enjoyed each other's company. I remember how we used to talk about The Phantom of the Opera, it was one of my favourite memories of him.


He took me for everything I was, including my flaws. My worst flaw was my bad temper. I used to scream, shout, and throw things whenever I got mad, it was terrible. He took that all in, never once berating me for it. He always let me rant and then when I was done, he'd give me a hug. He didn't care we were different in terms of our faiths. He never saw it as an obstacle. In fact, he even joked that he'd propose to me with the ring attached to a piece of murukku.


He died in 2002,  exactly one month before I had to sit for one of my major exams. Cancer took him away from me. I didn't deal with it like I should have done, instead I chose to push it at the back of my mind and focus on my exams. I had already lost my favourite uncle three months before that, and I pushed that at the back of my mind too. I know I should've dealt with it, taken the time to process it; but I didn't. I chose the easy way out and pushed it away.


When I did finally deal with it, it took a lot out of me. The fact he was gone, my rock was gone, finally hit me hard and tore me apart. I had to say 'goodbye' to someone I love and everything I knew when I was with him. That world we shared was gone. This was our ending.


I was ~okay after that (I used our trip to the States for my brother's convocation in 2003 as a way of dealing with the pain), with the occasional dreams of him talking to me, like nothing ever changed between us. When I'd wake up from the dream, I'd just sob so hard because I miss him.


Hearing 'Goodbye To The Girl' brought back feelings that I thought I've dealt with long ago. I don't know, maybe it's just because I'm alone here that I'm having all these feelings. Maybe it's just because this song is so beautifully sung by an amazing person. Maybe the words to the song punches you in the gut and then rips you apart (no, really, if you've read my escapade in the local museum where I almost cried looking at a painting, you'd understand).




Maybe it's just that I miss him. Like they say, the first cut is the deepest. There is never a day that I don't think of him. I miss him and it hurts.




I will be okay, I just need time to deal with these unexpected feelings.

Paint another picture black and blue
take another moment, one or two
just to get over you


When did all the gold around us rust?
Turning all the love we had to dust
It took the best of you
it took the best of you


Oh I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
I'm leaning on the edge
I'm jumping off the ledge


Take another picture off the wall
Just another moment, watch it fall
into the ocean blue


Take a look at where we used to be
Now I'm just a vessel lost at see
I can't get over you
I don't know what to do


Oh I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
I'm leaning on the edge
I'm jumping off the ledge
watching the night do what the light never could


So tell me I'm crazy
It's not gonna save me
From holding my breath
'Til the lines blur


'Cause I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
Oh, goodbye to the girl


Paint another picture black and blue
Take another moment, one or two


Oh I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
I'm leaning on the edge
I'm jumping off the ledge
Watching the night do what the light never could


So tell me I'm crazy
It's not gonna save me
From holding my breath
'Til the lines blur


'Cause I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
and goodbye to the world


Oh, goodbye to the world