when you feel a sharp pain in the chest when it plays.
My life is such a comedic tragedy.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
007. Take a look at where we used to be, now I'm just a vessel lost at sea.
I'm not entirely sure as to how I should start this. Forgive me if my thoughts end up getting jumbled up.
As mentioned in my earlier post, David Cook's sophomore album is out June 28th, which is TODAY. I strongly suggest you get the album NOW. IT IS AMAZING. Trust me, I am not being a biased person but this album is leaps and bounds better than his debut album, post-Idol. Get the album, you won't regret it.
One song in particular struck a chord with me, it's called 'Goodbye To The Girl'. The first time I heard it last Monday, I was in tears. I was listening to it on the way to work, and I cried a little (pretty thankful that my boss, workmates, and students didn't ask me why I look like I just cried). When I went to bed that same night, I decided to sleep with my iPod in my ears. I woke up two hours later with the song playing in my ears. As if on cue, I started crying. I went back to sleep after a good two hours of crying.
At the risk of sounding like an emotional git, there is a reason as to why I love this song that listening to it (be it the album version or the acoustic version) breaks my heart into tiny pieces.
10 years ago, I found love for the first time. It was with a boy who was a year older than me. We weren't very into PDAs and stuff, we just enjoyed each other's company. I remember how we used to talk about The Phantom of the Opera, it was one of my favourite memories of him.
He took me for everything I was, including my flaws. My worst flaw was my bad temper. I used to scream, shout, and throw things whenever I got mad, it was terrible. He took that all in, never once berating me for it. He always let me rant and then when I was done, he'd give me a hug. He didn't care we were different in terms of our faiths. He never saw it as an obstacle. In fact, he even joked that he'd propose to me with the ring attached to a piece of murukku.
He died in 2002, exactly one month before I had to sit for one of my major exams. Cancer took him away from me. I didn't deal with it like I should have done, instead I chose to push it at the back of my mind and focus on my exams. I had already lost my favourite uncle three months before that, and I pushed that at the back of my mind too. I know I should've dealt with it, taken the time to process it; but I didn't. I chose the easy way out and pushed it away.
When I did finally deal with it, it took a lot out of me. The fact he was gone, my rock was gone, finally hit me hard and tore me apart. I had to say 'goodbye' to someone I love and everything I knew when I was with him. That world we shared was gone. This was our ending.
I was ~okay after that (I used our trip to the States for my brother's convocation in 2003 as a way of dealing with the pain), with the occasional dreams of him talking to me, like nothing ever changed between us. When I'd wake up from the dream, I'd just sob so hard because I miss him.
Hearing 'Goodbye To The Girl' brought back feelings that I thought I've dealt with long ago. I don't know, maybe it's just because I'm alone here that I'm having all these feelings. Maybe it's just because this song is so beautifully sung by an amazing person. Maybe the words to the song punches you in the gut and then rips you apart (no, really, if you've read my escapade in the local museum where I almost cried looking at a painting, you'd understand).
Maybe it's just that I miss him. Like they say, the first cut is the deepest. There is never a day that I don't think of him. I miss him and it hurts.
I will be okay, I just need time to deal with these unexpected feelings.
As mentioned in my earlier post, David Cook's sophomore album is out June 28th, which is TODAY. I strongly suggest you get the album NOW. IT IS AMAZING. Trust me, I am not being a biased person but this album is leaps and bounds better than his debut album, post-Idol. Get the album, you won't regret it.
One song in particular struck a chord with me, it's called 'Goodbye To The Girl'. The first time I heard it last Monday, I was in tears. I was listening to it on the way to work, and I cried a little (pretty thankful that my boss, workmates, and students didn't ask me why I look like I just cried). When I went to bed that same night, I decided to sleep with my iPod in my ears. I woke up two hours later with the song playing in my ears. As if on cue, I started crying. I went back to sleep after a good two hours of crying.
At the risk of sounding like an emotional git, there is a reason as to why I love this song that listening to it (be it the album version or the acoustic version) breaks my heart into tiny pieces.
10 years ago, I found love for the first time. It was with a boy who was a year older than me. We weren't very into PDAs and stuff, we just enjoyed each other's company. I remember how we used to talk about The Phantom of the Opera, it was one of my favourite memories of him.
He took me for everything I was, including my flaws. My worst flaw was my bad temper. I used to scream, shout, and throw things whenever I got mad, it was terrible. He took that all in, never once berating me for it. He always let me rant and then when I was done, he'd give me a hug. He didn't care we were different in terms of our faiths. He never saw it as an obstacle. In fact, he even joked that he'd propose to me with the ring attached to a piece of murukku.
He died in 2002, exactly one month before I had to sit for one of my major exams. Cancer took him away from me. I didn't deal with it like I should have done, instead I chose to push it at the back of my mind and focus on my exams. I had already lost my favourite uncle three months before that, and I pushed that at the back of my mind too. I know I should've dealt with it, taken the time to process it; but I didn't. I chose the easy way out and pushed it away.
When I did finally deal with it, it took a lot out of me. The fact he was gone, my rock was gone, finally hit me hard and tore me apart. I had to say 'goodbye' to someone I love and everything I knew when I was with him. That world we shared was gone. This was our ending.
I was ~okay after that (I used our trip to the States for my brother's convocation in 2003 as a way of dealing with the pain), with the occasional dreams of him talking to me, like nothing ever changed between us. When I'd wake up from the dream, I'd just sob so hard because I miss him.
Hearing 'Goodbye To The Girl' brought back feelings that I thought I've dealt with long ago. I don't know, maybe it's just because I'm alone here that I'm having all these feelings. Maybe it's just because this song is so beautifully sung by an amazing person. Maybe the words to the song punches you in the gut and then rips you apart (no, really, if you've read my escapade in the local museum where I almost cried looking at a painting, you'd understand).
Maybe it's just that I miss him. Like they say, the first cut is the deepest. There is never a day that I don't think of him. I miss him and it hurts.
I will be okay, I just need time to deal with these unexpected feelings.
Paint another picture black and blue
take another moment, one or two
just to get over you
When did all the gold around us rust?
Turning all the love we had to dust
It took the best of you
it took the best of you
Oh I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
I'm leaning on the edge
I'm jumping off the ledge
Take another picture off the wall
Just another moment, watch it fall
into the ocean blue
Take a look at where we used to be
Now I'm just a vessel lost at see
I can't get over you
I don't know what to do
Oh I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
I'm leaning on the edge
I'm jumping off the ledge
watching the night do what the light never could
So tell me I'm crazy
It's not gonna save me
From holding my breath
'Til the lines blur
'Cause I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
Oh, goodbye to the girl
Paint another picture black and blue
Take another moment, one or two
Oh I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
I'm leaning on the edge
I'm jumping off the ledge
Watching the night do what the light never could
So tell me I'm crazy
It's not gonna save me
From holding my breath
'Til the lines blur
'Cause I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
and goodbye to the world
Oh, goodbye to the world
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
006. Who's to say I'm not already gone?
Hi, it's been, what? 8 months since my last update? Oops.
In case you've been wondering, I'm not dead
Exciting, yes?
I promise I'll try and update more here. I made this blog to document my time here, I shouldn't be neglecting it. I'll post pictures of past events and trips just so you know what I've done and gone through. :)
In other unrelated news, David Cook's sophomore album will be out on June 28th!
I AM SO STOKED BEYOND WORDS!
NEW MUSIC! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Ahem.
Till then, I will leave you with this quote I heard from my favourite animated series from my childhood:
How often must the scoundrel prove himself a hero, before he believes it himself?
Monday, October 4, 2010
005. Look how they shine for you.
Wow. It's been, like, a month without updates! I apologise for being a tardy little miss. I have finally managed to settle into my room and also my campus (The campus is HUGE! My navigation skills failed me on my enrolment day, in which I got lost despite the fact reaching the campus like 15 minutes earlier than the time indicated on the form). So far so good, I'm the youngest in my class and that somewhat makes me feel 'out of place'. The lecturers and tutors here are really friendly and helpful.
It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm not entirely sure on how I should feel about this. It's my first birthday away from family and friends.
I miss the annual birthday dinners with the family at either Cozy Corner or Victoria Station.
I miss my mum's warm hugs on my birthdays, knowing how much she hates hugs because she gets ticklish.
I miss my dad's birthday wishes at EXACTLY the time I was born (1:24PM - he always tells me I was born 6 minutes before the afternoon news began).
I miss my birthday lunches with my friends. Uni mates, Internet friends, my own best friends.
I miss all the calls (I have an amazing friend who ALWAYS calls me at midnight to wish me) and texts and cards (especially from Aimee because her Semeling owls never fail her) I get on my birthday.
I miss all the nice sentiments on my birthdays.
Then, it hit me that I miss the familiarity of home. All this while, I knew who to go to if I needed new prescription glasses. I knew who to go to when I was sick. I knew where to shop for groceries. I knew who to call in case I needed roti canai or even naan and tandoori chicken for functions.
All along, I've stayed in that house, from the time I was born to the time I left Malaysia. And you know what's cool yet sad? My parents bought and moved into the house on the 6th of October, 1986. A year before I was born. I have ALWAYS spent my birthdays with my house. This year, I'm not able to say "Happy birthday to my house, certain furnitures at home and I!" out loud.
All this while, I've had my laundry and grocery and food done by my parents. If I had to go anywhere, I relied on my dad, brother or sometimes friends. Now? I do my own laundry, I cook my own food (check my Facebook for pictures of my culinary masterpiece) and I have to walk to get to somewhere. To date, I have not screwed up my laundry, burnt the kitchen down or gotten lost (oh wait, that did happen once).
I am also scared to spend money on things I like because I know how much my parents have put in for me to get here and pursue my Masters. I don't dare inflict financial damage on them, which is why I need to do my best and not splurge unnecessarily.
Some of you can go home almost every weekend to see your family, even if it takes you 5 hours to get back home. What option do I have? Take a 14-hour flight back to KL? All I have is Skype, which is not bad, don't get me wrong. I just miss the physical closeness and familiar sights of home.
It's all a sudden change. I know change can be for the better, but you know? Sometimes, missing home just hurts.
I know I will be okay. I just need to take some time to get used to this change. I know my birthday isn't going to suck because my friend promised me she'll take me out for sushi.
If I have to make do with that, I guess I just will.
It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm not entirely sure on how I should feel about this. It's my first birthday away from family and friends.
I miss the annual birthday dinners with the family at either Cozy Corner or Victoria Station.
I miss my mum's warm hugs on my birthdays, knowing how much she hates hugs because she gets ticklish.
I miss my dad's birthday wishes at EXACTLY the time I was born (1:24PM - he always tells me I was born 6 minutes before the afternoon news began).
I miss my birthday lunches with my friends. Uni mates, Internet friends, my own best friends.
I miss all the calls (I have an amazing friend who ALWAYS calls me at midnight to wish me) and texts and cards (especially from Aimee because her Semeling owls never fail her) I get on my birthday.
I miss all the nice sentiments on my birthdays.
Then, it hit me that I miss the familiarity of home. All this while, I knew who to go to if I needed new prescription glasses. I knew who to go to when I was sick. I knew where to shop for groceries. I knew who to call in case I needed roti canai or even naan and tandoori chicken for functions.
All along, I've stayed in that house, from the time I was born to the time I left Malaysia. And you know what's cool yet sad? My parents bought and moved into the house on the 6th of October, 1986. A year before I was born. I have ALWAYS spent my birthdays with my house. This year, I'm not able to say "Happy birthday to my house, certain furnitures at home and I!" out loud.
All this while, I've had my laundry and grocery and food done by my parents. If I had to go anywhere, I relied on my dad, brother or sometimes friends. Now? I do my own laundry, I cook my own food (check my Facebook for pictures of my culinary masterpiece) and I have to walk to get to somewhere. To date, I have not screwed up my laundry, burnt the kitchen down or gotten lost (oh wait, that did happen once).
I am also scared to spend money on things I like because I know how much my parents have put in for me to get here and pursue my Masters. I don't dare inflict financial damage on them, which is why I need to do my best and not splurge unnecessarily.
Some of you can go home almost every weekend to see your family, even if it takes you 5 hours to get back home. What option do I have? Take a 14-hour flight back to KL? All I have is Skype, which is not bad, don't get me wrong. I just miss the physical closeness and familiar sights of home.
It's all a sudden change. I know change can be for the better, but you know? Sometimes, missing home just hurts.
I know I will be okay. I just need to take some time to get used to this change. I know my birthday isn't going to suck because my friend promised me she'll take me out for sushi.
If I have to make do with that, I guess I just will.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
004. KTBFFH.
On my mother's birthday, we were supposed to go Arsenal's homeground, the Emirates Stadium. Sadly, the tour we wanted to go on would only start in another 5 hours at 3PM; and the next available tour was sort of expensive (try 35 pounds per person). Dad decided to skip the tour and go straight to Stamford Bridge.
I am now able to take the many lines of the London Underground. I feel smart.
It was amazing just to be able to go to the home of my Chelsea lads. It's so beautiful. I really felt like I was a kid in the candy store. I know what Didier Drogba keeps in his locker in the dressing room. I swear, he continues to amaze me time and time again.
Our tour guide, Ed, knows about Malaysia and told me to go home and eat nasi lemak/nasi goreng. He asked us about the weather and what beaches he could visit in February next year. He was so nice.
I got three VERY early birthday presents: a training jacket (which doubles up as a raincoat), a pin and a key chain. I just felt like I had hearts in my little eyes.
I took so much pictures that my camera ran out of batteries AND my phone ran out of memory space. I need to always remember to charge my batteries/clear out memory space before I go on trips like this.
This trip to the Bridge was really an unexpected one. A great kind of unexpected, to be honest. The best day ever.
I'll upload some pics once I have stable/proper/free Internet.
I am now able to take the many lines of the London Underground. I feel smart.
It was amazing just to be able to go to the home of my Chelsea lads. It's so beautiful. I really felt like I was a kid in the candy store. I know what Didier Drogba keeps in his locker in the dressing room. I swear, he continues to amaze me time and time again.
Our tour guide, Ed, knows about Malaysia and told me to go home and eat nasi lemak/nasi goreng. He asked us about the weather and what beaches he could visit in February next year. He was so nice.
I got three VERY early birthday presents: a training jacket (which doubles up as a raincoat), a pin and a key chain. I just felt like I had hearts in my little eyes.
I took so much pictures that my camera ran out of batteries AND my phone ran out of memory space. I need to always remember to charge my batteries/clear out memory space before I go on trips like this.
This trip to the Bridge was really an unexpected one. A great kind of unexpected, to be honest. The best day ever.
I'll upload some pics once I have stable/proper/free Internet.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
003. London Calling.
Hey guys, just a short note to say that I've already arrived in London safely. Immigration checks went on without a hitch (thank God for that).
No delayed flights, no missing or damaged luggage (in 2003, my dad's luggage ended up in Texas while we were in Wisconsin), no important documents went missing. So far, so good.
I caught a glimpse of Wembley stadium while getting to our accommodation.
The family and my cousins and my niece came to send me off on Saturday. Sue came at about 7pm and gave me 'duit raya' (seriously, thank you!). Kavi made it in time to send me off. She gave me a bag of kuaci (my mum and I are still not done laughing over this) and brought out this banner (which is now in my backpack). Wei Yng called and I think the phone cut us off.
Flight from KLIA to Changi took about 35 minutes. The Singapore Airlines staff are so friendly! We had to wait for an hour before we boarded the plane to Heathrow. The flight took about 13 hours.
No delayed flights, no missing or damaged luggage (in 2003, my dad's luggage ended up in Texas while we were in Wisconsin), no important documents went missing. So far, so good.
I caught a glimpse of Wembley stadium while getting to our accommodation.
The family and my cousins and my niece came to send me off on Saturday. Sue came at about 7pm and gave me 'duit raya' (seriously, thank you!). Kavi made it in time to send me off. She gave me a bag of kuaci (my mum and I are still not done laughing over this) and brought out this banner (which is now in my backpack). Wei Yng called and I think the phone cut us off.
Flight from KLIA to Changi took about 35 minutes. The Singapore Airlines staff are so friendly! We had to wait for an hour before we boarded the plane to Heathrow. The flight took about 13 hours.
They had music from Jason Castro, Carly's band We Are The Fallen (I actually squealed when I saw this album listed in the rock music selection), and Glee. I watched Iron Man 2, The Simpsons and The Big Bang Theory as well. I truly kept myself entertained.
I actually cried on the plane from Singapore to Heathrow. For one, I couldn't swallow my food down (Roasted beef and mashed potatoes...I couldn't even shove the mashed potatoes down my throat. It just hurt); and I got homesick while listening to Jason's You Can Always Come Home. That was epically embarrassing. I almost cried at the airport when I saw my brother crying. Now I know how he felt when he left home 10 years ago.
It rained at about 2PM here, then it was sunny. It's windy here, but it's a bit nicer than the heat in KL.
It rained at about 2PM here, then it was sunny. It's windy here, but it's a bit nicer than the heat in KL.
Anyway, it's 10:17PM here. I should be going to bed, jet lag got the best of me. We'll probably tour London town tomorrow. Not sure where we're going yet, though.
Friday, August 27, 2010
002. Hey Janice.
You're leaving tonight. I really thought we were leaving on the same day (okay, yes, we are, but you know what I mean) because hey, that would be really cool! Both of us benches are leaving on the same day within a few hours from each other. Alas, it was not meant to be. I do want to call you up, but I'm afraid that I might start crying and that might make you even more freaked out than you already are. We share a lot of hopes and fears and homesickness and freaking outs, what with us leaving the nest for the very first time.
I 'met' you when you left a comment on my LJ re:KrisKL. Being helpful, I tried explaining ways you could win the tickets (which eventually, you did). We met at MidValley and we had so much fun. From the epic sign, to meeting the band, and screaming like a bunch of lunatics. Fun times. That night, I realised how much you benches mean to me and I don't care what people say/judge us for, but you lot helped me during a lot of hard times (the first time being when I composed a speech for my dad so that he'd let me go to the KrisKL show *facepalms*).
I just want to tell you that no matter what happens, you are an amazing and awesome person, and you're going to go do great things in life. It's okay to be scared about leaving the nest, I am too. You can always talk to me (MSN, Skype, FB, Twitter), we can always talk each other through our fears, however insignificant it may seem. I love you so much, you've been a great friend to me (even if it's only been what? 6 months and a half?).
You're going somewhere where you can probably see 145625377288 Kris Allen/Adam Lambert shows compared to the rest of us. I am incredibly jealous.
Always remember that we will always have our "KEEP CALM AND EAT CALE" joke. Cale is delicious, by the way, so always remain calm.
Okay, that was terrible.
I wish you all the best in everything you do. Have a safe flight and I love you. REMEMBER: I ALREADY HAVE SKYPE SO THERE IS NO EXCUSE OF YOU NOT TALKING TO ME.
Love, hugs, kisses, andCale cakes,
~Roxy~
I 'met' you when you left a comment on my LJ re:KrisKL. Being helpful, I tried explaining ways you could win the tickets (which eventually, you did). We met at MidValley and we had so much fun. From the epic sign, to meeting the band, and screaming like a bunch of lunatics. Fun times. That night, I realised how much you benches mean to me and I don't care what people say/judge us for, but you lot helped me during a lot of hard times (the first time being when I composed a speech for my dad so that he'd let me go to the KrisKL show *facepalms*).
I just want to tell you that no matter what happens, you are an amazing and awesome person, and you're going to go do great things in life. It's okay to be scared about leaving the nest, I am too. You can always talk to me (MSN, Skype, FB, Twitter), we can always talk each other through our fears, however insignificant it may seem. I love you so much, you've been a great friend to me (even if it's only been what? 6 months and a half?).
You're going somewhere where you can probably see 145625377288 Kris Allen/Adam Lambert shows compared to the rest of us. I am incredibly jealous.
Always remember that we will always have our "KEEP CALM AND EAT CALE" joke. Cale is delicious, by the way, so always remain calm.
Okay, that was terrible.
I wish you all the best in everything you do. Have a safe flight and I love you. REMEMBER: I ALREADY HAVE SKYPE SO THERE IS NO EXCUSE OF YOU NOT TALKING TO ME.
Love, hugs, kisses, and
~Roxy~
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