I suppose I should apologise for the serious lack of updates. I seem to only pop in to write an obligatory post that marks how old I am.
I actually have a post lying in my draft, but I just gave up on it because I really didn't feel like posting it. I might post it when I'm actually ready. We'll just have to wait and see on that one.
I did say to a few people at the beginning of the year that I would start blogging again. Unfortunately, I haven't written anything (except for that draft). Sigh, procrastination is such a terrible thing.
It's the second half of the year, and what a better time to pick to keep to my promise. I will attempt to blog like I used to, not just for the usual "oh boo, I am a year older but hey like wine, I get better with age" nonsense.
Yeah, so here we go again. Let's hope I stick to my promise.
*wipes the dust off the blog* A year has passed from my last post. If you are already accustomed to my constant habit of putting off things until the last minute, you shouldn't be THAT surprised. I am now twenty six. What have I gained more this year compared to when I was 25? Well, I've gained a little weight and this is incredibly frustrating at times. No matter how good you feel about yourself, someone will always throw a jibe in your general direction and say "Eh, you've put on weight!" or my favourite of them all "uh, your boobs and waistline are getting bigger...you better cut down on your food intake". As a person who is struggling with bulimia, it is hard to accept yourself for everything that you have done and accomplished when you have people throwing comments like that in your face. It just drives you to go back to the old, destructive habits. I started comparing myself when I was living in Sheffield and living in Kuala Lumpur. In Sheffield, no one called me 'fat' because to them I looked 'underaged'. I got picked up by boys who were much younger than me. Here? Just because you're not a size 8, you are automatically labelled 'fat' and 'undeserving of anyone's attention'. It's hard just knowing that the definition of 'being yourself' actually means 'conforming to social ideals'. But then I read this quote by J.K. Rowling that goes a little like this:
“Is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'? Not to me.”
...and I told myself that "You are better than that. So what if you gain weight? You have the brains and brawn to back the goods". I'm learning to love and appreciate my body one day at a time. I'd rather be called 'fat' than 'stupid', to be honest. F-A-T = Fantastic, Acerbic, Tenacious.
I would say that I've gained more perspective on appreciating appearances. Be you, and don't be stupid.
Other things I have gained:
I've gained the wisdom to maintain relationships that are worth keeping and fighting for. The ones that matter will always have your best interests at heart, and the ones that don't are toxic and deserved to be eliminated from your life. I've gained the wisdom to have faith and believe that things will fall through. Things really do happen for a reason. I've gained the wisdom to be humble and ask for guidance whenever it was necessary. Being proud is never a good look on anyone. I've gained the wisdom to be know when to speak and when to listen. Like my dad always says: "God gave you a mouth and two ears for a reason". I've gained the wisdom that your gut instinct about a person is almost always never wrong. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I've gained new friendships that were fostered from the love of music, television, and sports. It's nice to see that someone appreciates your love/dedication for certain things and still not judge you when you are being ridiculous for crying over a heartbreaking episode of your favourite TV show or even watching your team lose when they shouldn't have at all. Some of you may ask, "Got boyfriend or not?", and to which my answer will always be "oh he's too busy playing football to come down and see me". Truth be told, I don't think I'm ready yet. I haven't found that one person and I can go around and say "you're my kind of perfect". People say I've set unattainable standards, but I don't think so. I just want someone who appreciates me for all the dumb things I do and say, and still say "I wanna grow old with you". I have been fortunate enough to witness the union of two souls in love. I have also been fortunate enough to see them have little tykes of their own. I hope maybe one day, I would be as fortunate as them. I'm still young (this is coming from a person who constantly complains about being old to numerous people), I should be enjoying my youth. I'm going to do just that until the right one comes along and says "just the two of us against the rest of the world". Twenty six, still plenty to fix. So many things to do, so little time and money. One day at a time, they say. I'd like to say 'thank you' to everyone who made my twenty-sixth birthday nothing short of wonderful. Your wishes, texts, calls, tweets, edits, cards, presents, and cakes made me really thankful that you are in my life (despite the fact that I've been a lousy and terrible friend to you). I'd also like to thank Him for keeping me alive to let me see the beauty in the world for another year. Here's a little something for you before I end: Mark Owen's They Do.
P/S: I will try to update more often. I know I say this every year, but this time I plan on sticking to it.
As I sit here and write this, I'm already twenty five. Cue the start of the quarter-life crisis. Turning twenty five isn't as grand as turning 80 or even 100, but as quoted by The Doctor in "The Lazarus Experiment":
Some people live more in twenty years than others do in eighty. It's not the time that matters, it's the person.
I feel like I have accomplished many things in these 25 years. I remember when I was 15, I wrote this list that I named "Things to do before I turn 25" (yes, I know. I am incredibly original). Let me share what I set out for myself in this list of mine.
Safe to say, some of the things on the list have materialised.
I have a Bachelors degree in Psychology, something I am quite proud of, given how everyone in family (including the extended ones) have done studied accountancy/finance/business-related subjects. My father used to mention how everyone in the world needs an accountant in hopes that I would actually pursue it. Sadly, I never shared those sentiments. Despite getting a 'A' for accounts (how this happened still remains a mystery), I stuck to my guns and pursued Psychology, much to my father's chagrin.
As soon as I obtained my Bachelors degree, I decided to pursue my Masters degree in Psychology. Instead of following the paths my friends took and dive into the land of employment, I wanted to keep going while I was still in the "I am a student, I need to keep studying" mentality. There was a strange compulsion to keep that momentum going. I took the challenge and decided to go one better: pursue my Masters degree overseas. I moved to a new city/country/continent for a whole year, I had to learn how to do things on my own: cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, medical appointments, the likes. I have always had all these things done for me, and it was definitely a challenge to me as these things were so readily available to me. I was taken out of my comfort zone, away from my family and friends. In that one year, I learnt to be independent and comfortable in my own skin. With this new-found confidence, I jumped at the chance and applied for a summer job working for the university. There, I met so many lovely people of different nationalities and backgrounds. I was no longer timid and shy around others as the job required me to communicate and understand the needs of others. I travelled around the UK (alone and with friends) and I had the best moments of my life. I watched musicals, indulged in art exhibitions, watched football matches 'live' and on my own, toured football grounds that I have always dreamt of visiting, learnt culture and history, and breathed in beautiful sights and sceneries. In the span of one year, I have been fortunate enough to prove to everyone that I was no longer a 'spoilt, pampered princess'. I am now proud, confident and stronger than I was when I was 22.
I now have a permanent job and it has been an eventful seven months or so. I am still learning and I am now ready to take on bigger challenges. There have been some great times, and there have been some not-so great times. I'm learning to take them all as experiences. We all know what experiences do to us - it makes us stronger and smart enough to avoid the same holes we put ourselves in before.
I fell in and out of love. On this matter, I have decided to let things fall into place. I'm in no rush to get married or procreate. I want to enjoy being on my own, for now. I am a little tired of people coming up to me and asking "Don't you want a boyfriend? Why are you not actively looking for one?!". Truth be told, I am just not ready to let myself go completely when I am in love with someone. Being picky may have a small role in my decision, but I just want to love someone when I am ready. I don't want to be forced into getting involved in something/someone only for me to look back and regret about it. I will be ready, and until then, let me enjoy the way my life is going. I still haven't gone to Germany, but from the time I was 15 until now, I learnt of new places and cultures. I want to explore and experience them all before I die. I still haven't bought a house for my parents, but it's okay, I'm getting there. I am definitely not getting a Mini Cooper, given that I have no intention of driving in this country. As you get a little older (maybe a little wiser, too) you realise that you need to be practical about things and think "Hang on a minute, you can't afford that. Oh well, time for Plan B!". People have come and gone in my life. Some left, some stayed. If it weren't for any of them, I wouldn't have been the person I am today. I don't believe that time heals all wounds, but it does heal some wounds to a certain extent. I have had falling outs with friend that lasted a few years, only for time to teach me that it was time to forgive. Friendships that ended began again. I lost many great people to death and often times, I go through the five stages of grief. There is never a day that I don't think about them or how much I miss them. It's always in death that you learn to appreciate life. I learn to live my life while I am still alive and breathing. I am thankful for everyone that has coloured my ordinary life. I am thankful for all the experiences that I have gone through, even the awful ones. Most of all, I am thankful that I am still alive to (hopefully) see through another year. Happy 25th birthday, self. You are older, wiser, and sweeter. Don't check for grey hair and/or wrinkles, don't sweat the small stuff. A year from now, you will look back on this and tell yourself "There's progress". A special musical treat for you - Take That's When We Were Young.
Reading this reminded me of what I did on Tuesday and Wednesday.
I read The Dash by Linda Ellis.
I listened to Paper Heart by David Cook.
I'm thankful I saw you before you passed away. I'm thankful that God heard my prayer and kept everyone safe until I got home. I told my late siya and achi to look after everyone until I got home.
I'm just thankful for everything I have.
I know we weren't close, but you looked after me well. A part of me feels empty after losing you, but a part of me is happy to know you lived a good life with people who loved you.
I still remember your smile when I came to visit last week. You told me I looked beautiful and that I'm all grown up now. You looked so happy when I gave you that sweater. You smiled more when I told you I was staying here for good. You looked so well, despite the conditions you were going through. I had hope you'd be better, you'd beat the shit out of it.
I'm just really happy I saw you one last time before you left us.
I'm not entirely sure as to how I should start this. Forgive me if my thoughts end up getting jumbled up.
As mentioned in my earlier post, David Cook's sophomore album is out June 28th, which is TODAY. I strongly suggest you get the album NOW. IT IS AMAZING. Trust me, I am not being a biased person but this album is leaps and bounds better than his debut album, post-Idol. Get the album, you won't regret it.
One song in particular struck a chord with me, it's called 'Goodbye To The Girl'. The first time I heard it last Monday, I was in tears. I was listening to it on the way to work, and I cried a little (pretty thankful that my boss, workmates, and students didn't ask me why I look like I just cried). When I went to bed that same night, I decided to sleep with my iPod in my ears. I woke up two hours later with the song playing in my ears. As if on cue, I started crying. I went back to sleep after a good two hours of crying.
At the risk of sounding like an emotional git, there is a reason as to why I love this song that listening to it (be it the album version or the acoustic version) breaks my heart into tiny pieces.
10 years ago, I found love for the first time. It was with a boy who was a year older than me. We weren't very into PDAs and stuff, we just enjoyed each other's company. I remember how we used to talk about The Phantom of the Opera, it was one of my favourite memories of him.
He took me for everything I was, including my flaws. My worst flaw was my bad temper. I used to scream, shout, and throw things whenever I got mad, it was terrible. He took that all in, never once berating me for it. He always let me rant and then when I was done, he'd give me a hug. He didn't care we were different in terms of our faiths. He never saw it as an obstacle. In fact, he even joked that he'd propose to me with the ring attached to a piece of murukku.
He died in 2002, exactly one month before I had to sit for one of my major exams. Cancer took him away from me. I didn't deal with it like I should have done, instead I chose to push it at the back of my mind and focus on my exams. I had already lost my favourite uncle three months before that, and I pushed that at the back of my mind too. I know I should've dealt with it, taken the time to process it; but I didn't. I chose the easy way out and pushed it away.
When I did finally deal with it, it took a lot out of me. The fact he was gone, my rock was gone, finally hit me hard and tore me apart. I had to say 'goodbye' to someone I love and everything I knew when I was with him. That world we shared was gone. This was our ending.
I was ~okay after that (I used our trip to the States for my brother's convocation in 2003 as a way of dealing with the pain), with the occasional dreams of him talking to me, like nothing ever changed between us. When I'd wake up from the dream, I'd just sob so hard because I miss him.
Maybe it's just that I miss him. Like they say, the first cut is the deepest. There is never a day that I don't think of him. I miss him and it hurts.
I will be okay, I just need time to deal with these unexpected feelings.
Paint another picture black and blue take another moment, one or two just to get over you
When did all the gold around us rust? Turning all the love we had to dust It took the best of you it took the best of you
Oh I've got nowhere to hide I'd say my goodbye to the girl I'm leaning on the edge I'm jumping off the ledge
Take another picture off the wall Just another moment, watch it fall into the ocean blue
Take a look at where we used to be Now I'm just a vessel lost at see I can't get over you I don't know what to do
Oh I've got nowhere to hide I'd say my goodbye to the girl I'm leaning on the edge I'm jumping off the ledge watching the night do what the light never could
So tell me I'm crazy It's not gonna save me From holding my breath 'Til the lines blur
'Cause I've got nowhere to hide I'd say my goodbye to the girl Oh, goodbye to the girl
Paint another picture black and blue Take another moment, one or two
Oh I've got nowhere to hide I'd say my goodbye to the girl I'm leaning on the edge I'm jumping off the ledge Watching the night do what the light never could
So tell me I'm crazy It's not gonna save me From holding my breath 'Til the lines blur
'Cause I've got nowhere to hide I'd say my goodbye to the girl and goodbye to the world
Hi, it's been, what? 8 months since my last update? Oops.
In case you've been wondering, I'm not dead yet. I've been pretty good. I have had my shares of ups and downs. Two ear infections during winter, constant bouts of homesickness, hearing news of my aunt having cancer. Amazing trips to parts of the UK, making new friends, meeting up with family and friends in London, getting a job.
Exciting, yes?
I promise I'll try and update more here. I made this blog to document my time here, I shouldn't be neglecting it. I'll post pictures of past events and trips just so you know what I've done and gone through. :)
In other unrelated news, David Cook's sophomore album will be out on June 28th!
I AM SO STOKED BEYOND WORDS! NEW MUSIC! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Ahem.
Till then, I will leave you with this quote I heard from my favourite animated series from my childhood:
How often must the scoundrel prove himself a hero, before he believes it himself?
