009. What use is a paper heart?

Reading this reminded me of what I did on Tuesday and Wednesday. 

I read The Dash by Linda Ellis.

I listened to Paper Heart by David Cook.

I'm thankful I saw you before you passed away. I'm thankful that God heard my prayer and kept everyone safe until I got home. I told my late siya and achi to look after everyone until I got home.

I'm just thankful for everything I have.

I know we weren't close, but you looked after me well. A part of me feels empty after losing you, but a part of me is happy to know you lived a good life with people who loved you.

I still remember your smile when I came to visit last week. You told me I looked beautiful and that I'm all grown up now. You looked so happy when I gave you that sweater. You smiled more when I told you I was staying here for good. You looked so well, despite the conditions you were going through. I had hope you'd be better, you'd beat the shit out of it.

I'm just really happy I saw you one last time before you left us.

Farewell, Auntie Queenie. You will be missed.

Longer post when I feel like it.

008. You know a song hits you hard...

when you feel a sharp pain in the chest when it plays.


My life is such a comedic tragedy.

007. Take a look at where we used to be, now I'm just a vessel lost at sea.

I'm not entirely sure as to how I should start this. Forgive me if my thoughts end up getting jumbled up.


As mentioned in my earlier post, David Cook's sophomore album is out June 28th, which is TODAY. I strongly suggest you get the album NOW. IT IS AMAZING. Trust me, I am not being a biased person but this album is leaps and bounds better than his debut album, post-Idol. Get the album, you won't regret it.


One song in particular struck a chord with me, it's called 'Goodbye To The Girl'. The first time I heard it last Monday, I was in tears. I was listening to it on the way to work, and I cried a little (pretty thankful that my boss, workmates, and students didn't ask me why I look like I just cried). When I went to bed that same night, I decided to sleep with my iPod in my ears. I woke up two hours later with the song playing in my ears. As if on cue, I started crying. I went back to sleep after a good two hours of crying.


At the risk of sounding like an emotional git, there is a reason as to why I love this song that listening to it (be it the album version or the acoustic version) breaks my heart into tiny pieces.


10 years ago, I found love for the first time. It was with a boy who was a year older than me. We weren't very into PDAs and stuff, we just enjoyed each other's company. I remember how we used to talk about The Phantom of the Opera, it was one of my favourite memories of him.


He took me for everything I was, including my flaws. My worst flaw was my bad temper. I used to scream, shout, and throw things whenever I got mad, it was terrible. He took that all in, never once berating me for it. He always let me rant and then when I was done, he'd give me a hug. He didn't care we were different in terms of our faiths. He never saw it as an obstacle. In fact, he even joked that he'd propose to me with the ring attached to a piece of murukku.


He died in 2002,  exactly one month before I had to sit for one of my major exams. Cancer took him away from me. I didn't deal with it like I should have done, instead I chose to push it at the back of my mind and focus on my exams. I had already lost my favourite uncle three months before that, and I pushed that at the back of my mind too. I know I should've dealt with it, taken the time to process it; but I didn't. I chose the easy way out and pushed it away.


When I did finally deal with it, it took a lot out of me. The fact he was gone, my rock was gone, finally hit me hard and tore me apart. I had to say 'goodbye' to someone I love and everything I knew when I was with him. That world we shared was gone. This was our ending.


I was ~okay after that (I used our trip to the States for my brother's convocation in 2003 as a way of dealing with the pain), with the occasional dreams of him talking to me, like nothing ever changed between us. When I'd wake up from the dream, I'd just sob so hard because I miss him.


Hearing 'Goodbye To The Girl' brought back feelings that I thought I've dealt with long ago. I don't know, maybe it's just because I'm alone here that I'm having all these feelings. Maybe it's just because this song is so beautifully sung by an amazing person. Maybe the words to the song punches you in the gut and then rips you apart (no, really, if you've read my escapade in the local museum where I almost cried looking at a painting, you'd understand).




Maybe it's just that I miss him. Like they say, the first cut is the deepest. There is never a day that I don't think of him. I miss him and it hurts.




I will be okay, I just need time to deal with these unexpected feelings.

Paint another picture black and blue
take another moment, one or two
just to get over you


When did all the gold around us rust?
Turning all the love we had to dust
It took the best of you
it took the best of you


Oh I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
I'm leaning on the edge
I'm jumping off the ledge


Take another picture off the wall
Just another moment, watch it fall
into the ocean blue


Take a look at where we used to be
Now I'm just a vessel lost at see
I can't get over you
I don't know what to do


Oh I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
I'm leaning on the edge
I'm jumping off the ledge
watching the night do what the light never could


So tell me I'm crazy
It's not gonna save me
From holding my breath
'Til the lines blur


'Cause I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
Oh, goodbye to the girl


Paint another picture black and blue
Take another moment, one or two


Oh I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
I'm leaning on the edge
I'm jumping off the ledge
Watching the night do what the light never could


So tell me I'm crazy
It's not gonna save me
From holding my breath
'Til the lines blur


'Cause I've got nowhere to hide
I'd say my goodbye to the girl
and goodbye to the world


Oh, goodbye to the world

006. Who's to say I'm not already gone?

Hi, it's been, what? 8 months since my last update? Oops.


In case you've been wondering, I'm not dead yet. I've been pretty good. I have had my shares of ups and downs. Two ear infections during winter, constant bouts of homesickness, hearing news of my aunt having cancer. Amazing trips to parts of the UK, making new friends, meeting up with family and friends in London, getting a job.


Exciting, yes?


I promise I'll try and update more here. I made this blog to document my time here, I shouldn't be neglecting it. I'll post pictures of past events and trips just so you know what I've done and gone through. :)


In other unrelated news, David Cook's sophomore album will be out on June 28th! 


I AM SO STOKED BEYOND WORDS! 
NEW MUSIC! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.


Ahem.


Till then, I will leave you with this quote I heard from my favourite animated series from my childhood:

How often must the scoundrel prove himself a hero, before he believes it himself?